Welcome to my first blog post! I can't wait to share my story and encourage you to share yours and help you change your life!
“Don't let fear hold you back from the things you want to do. You can change your life, and the first step is loving yourself and your abilities“ -Gabriella Tantillo
We all want things in life, right? We dream of the ideal job, doing amazing things and speaking our goals into existence. Sometimes things in life allow us not to follow through because of things that happen and fear. Fear sometimes takes over and takes control of our confidence, so I want to share my journey and how I am taking control of my life with you!
My Journey
My journey started when I was born and I became very sick when I was a baby. For the first 2 and 1/2 Years of my life I needed an oxygen machine because I would stop breathing frequently. I was always in and out of hospitals and getting different medical tests done. I was having other developmental issues as well.
My next challenge that I ran into was, that school became a challenge for me and in elementary school I found out that I have a learning disability. This made me very upset and I felt like there was always something I was doing wrong. I felt left out and not like the other kids. I was only seeing the negative things about myself for the longest time, and I could never see the positive things. Occasionally, I was able to see some positive things, like different things that I was good at but I always pointed out my flaws. I wasn't really happy with myself because of the problems I had while learning. At times I even felt embarrassed. I felt like I was always a step behind other students and like I wasn't on the same level as others because I just needed more of an explanation on some things. I didn't have a lot of confidence for a long time. A few years later, after I got diagnosed with my learning disability I was diagnosed with ADHD. This didn't help improve my confidence at all. I felt like someone with a bunch of labels. Over time though, even though it took some time I realized that these labels don't define me and I started to gain some confidence back and find out what I AM capable of.
A few years later, I got diagnosed with epilepsy and I've had it for almost 5 years now and it has changed my life drastically. Both in a negative and a positive way. When I was first diagnosed with epilepsy, I thought it wasn't a big deal and just a name for my symptoms. It impacted me in a negative way because I had to learn about my illness and how to cope with it from day-to-day. It was hard dealing with everything all at once and it wasn't easy dealing with all of the changes. There were also 2 career options that I wanted to pursue. It was hard for me to manage my epilepsy and memorize the material and try new treatments while studying for those classes for the careers I wasn't able to pursue. This was very upsetting to me, but God opened up a new door and I found my new major which is Human Services to help people. There were also things that I wanted to do that I wasn't able to do. I was going through a lot of medical treatments and going to different hospitals and meeting with different doctors to try and help me control my seizures. Somewhere down the line as time goes on, there are also positive changes and I have grown even more as a person with what I have been through. I thought I would have limitations and couldn't succeed and fulfill my dreams. I was wrong, because I am more than just a label, and so are you!
With trying out different treatments, continuously going to doctors appointments and hospitals just to get some hope that the right treatment that will control and stop the seizures, not all of the treatments worked and it all started to become very difficult.
A few months ago, I had brain surgery to control my seizures and that was the hardest time in my life so far probably. I felt lonely at times, in pain, lost, anxious, sad and overwhelmed. I didn't like these emotions because they are not a good feeling, but I knew but I've learned it is natural and a part of emotions and that it is okay to express them to know yourself better. God was there and I opened the door time and time again. I know God is always with me, making sure I know his love and telling that I am good enough and strong enough. Even during tough times when I would always worry about possibly having another seizure, where I would be when I have another one, how people will judge and look at me differently for having seizures and if people around me would be able to help if anything happened. I still have these worries occasionally of course, I know is right by my side to help me along the way and give me strength. One of the worst parts about this all though, is that for a long time I felt bad about myself and what my limitations were for a long time. I always felt sorry for myself which wasn't allowing me to be happy and live life to the fullest. I knew there was a positive side to this, I just needed to go find it. At first, I focused so much on the things I couldn't do and the fact that I have epilepsy and other struggles were holding me back. My feelings of sadness and feeling lost and alone really impacted this too. I thought epilepsy defined who I was. I felt as if I was nothing more than someone with a chronic illness, learning disability and I couldn’t do much. Eventually, I discovered something through all of this, which was truly life changing. It is that I CANNOT CONTROL MOST OF THESE THINGS!! My seizures or the medical battles or learning difficulties, but I can take control of some of my emotions and how I decide to deal with them and turn them into positive ones which can possibly help my situation, and they can make me happy and also help me to help others at the same time time. Now this was very hard to do but, I had to change some of my future dreams and goals and how i viewed myself and my abilities and talents.
I'm not sharing all of this just to share random things about myself. I am sharing my experiences to let you see that I am living proof that God loves you no mater what, and always has a plan for you. He will do anything for you, even when we don't think we deserve another plan or don't see the path to a new one. My life is not just about having epilepsy. In my head I always described myself as, having epilepsy and other things wrong with me, as if I wasn't good enough and this was who I was. I was wrong about focusing on the negative traits about myself. I always wanted to help people. Help the people hurting, in pain, consumed in sadness, fear and setbacks. I want to help others find self-love and confidence. I want to make people feel special and like they are amazing and share their incredible talents.
At times I didn't realize that I needed to cope with this differently. I regret that because, that means that I have missed out on potential happy moments that God could've brought me when i needed him and opened the door to God's unconditional love and helping hand. You may need a little guidance, love and support to believe in yourself for your dreams to go from the unimaginable, to blossoming. Pondering on the negatives isn't the right way to live. So, learn to love yourself, accept that you have some struggles in your life. But, accept an even more rewarding concept, which is that you are much more than your struggles and that you have so much potential and talent within you!! So when will you start to take control of your life?